The Day Before Surgery

There are days when I feel like my work and home life are in perfect harmony. Today was not one of those days. I generally work 3 days per week and so far it has worked really well for my family. I love being an ER nurse, and I love that I can be home most days of the week. Today, I felt as though work was the wrong place for me. I felt vulnerable and emotional as soon as my alarm went off. Lochlan's vomiting is worse than ever, no one has had any sleep in days, my husband was grumpy with me this morning when I really needed a hug, and I was not looking forward to facing Lochlan's pre-op lab work results. Tomorrow is surgery day and I have a touch of PTSD from his past surgeries. They all have been nightmarish. He has screamed for hours with a terrible hoarse voice, ran fevers, and ran a dangerously high heart rate.

All day I felt as though every single task took double the amount of time and I was completely inept at finishing my responsibilities. By the the time I returned home 45 minutes late, I felt guilty for neglecting my children. Because I wasn't home to operate the pump, Lochlan vomited every last drop of his bolus feeds. My heart aches when Lochlan is screaming after vomiting all of the breast milk that I spend all day pumping. He cannot spare one calorie, especially since he will be npo for surgery tomorrow. Declan was acting out to get attention, and dinner needed to be cooked. I didn't even get to play with them tonight. By the time dinner was cooked, Lochlan was acting fussy, so I tried to settle him. I gave him a quick sip of the bottle after trying everything to settle him down. He drank ferociously because he must have been so dehydrated and thirsty from vomiting all day. I took the bottle away in an attempt to prevent him from vomiting. When I took the bottle away, he got very upset, and vomited all over the crib. Instead of having a complete melt down in front of my 2 year old, I handed the baby over to Adam, turned on Rudolph and piled all of my frustration on to this blog. I apologize. I write when I am down, which is probably why I do not write very often.